You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally?
Write what you are afraid to write and your humanity will come alive. This post gives me the opportunity to write what I am most afraid to write.
Change in my life has always come from necessity until very recently. In the past I have left everything behind (except my boys) to completely reinvent myself. Leaving or changing relationships for me did not just mean leaving the person; it meant changing my life and myself. I always believed that whatever I did, it had to be to better myself. I left abusive relationships and just plain unhealthy relationships and it was always cold turkey. Once I left, I never looked back. I never changed my mind. There were times when I needed help to do this. I am human. I have made a great number of mistakes in my life but instead of dwelling in the past, I moved on to live in the present.
Sometimes in life, change thrusts itself upon us. This causes a great deal of anxiety for many people. Change is hard. Of course, anything worth doing is hard. For a long time I was very independent. I worked for a doctor’s office and made good money. I loved to spend that money. Then one day I woke up. I was in a hospital bed unable to walk, move, or even open my eyes. I was completely paralyzed. I remember hearing my mom (though I may have imagined it) yelling, “Breathe Shelly! Breathe!” I felt like I was floating away from everyone. I saw my own body lying on the bed, my dad was at the foot; my best friend was to my left. I could not see my mom, but I could hear her as plain as day. I was, according to the doctors, dead for a number of minutes. I had gone into status epilepticus. I was having so many seizures my body was just done. It had taken all it could.
You see, during the time of “big money” I allowed myself to become a cocaine addict. One day I became very depressed because I was unable to end the addiction. I told myself over and over, this is the last time. Finally, it was the last time. I overdosed on cocaine and Prozac. I went into seizure after seizure. By breathing stopped. My heart stopped. I don’t know how long it was. I don’t know how long I was even in the hospital. What I do remember, is after I was finally able to leave the hospital (still barely walking, I had to use a walker to keep from falling) I went directly to Kairo’s Drug Rehab for women. From that day on my whole life changed. That was 5 years ago today. Today is the anniversary of the day I entered rehab. I got clean. As it went with the other changes in my life, I never looked back. I never changed my mind. I was clean, finally, and I vowed to stay that way. I am to this day, a recovered drug addict. I have not touched cocaine or any other drug since that day. I have my Mom, my Dad, and my best friend R. to thank for helping me through that tough time. I will be grateful to them for the rest of my life. I owe them everything. This is how change was thrust into my lap. It was do or die.
I prefer to change things all at once. Tearing a band aid off quickly and completely hurts much less than peeling it back a little at a time. Change is much the same way. When walking away from something or someone, we must make the decision and do it. Thought without action, is wasted time. I learned that once the desire is strong enough one must take action before it is too late. I told myself I wanted to stop using. I told myself that every single time I bought more powder. Telling myself was not enough; I needed to take action. My lack of action nearly cost me my life. It nearly cost my parents their daughter and it nearly cost my boys their mom. In my life, I will never let that happen again. Where action is needed, there will be action.
Change is a part of life that is constant. Impermanence is what life is. Once we realize that everything is impermanent, we can cherish what we have now, and let it go when it is time because we know it was, from the first day, meant to change. Things and events change us and we change things and events by our very presence. Accept change and flow with it. If there is something, you don’t like in your life, or something that makes you unhappy. It is time for change. Take the action needed. Don’t ever let it be too late and wish you had done something differently.
That is my story of change. Thank you for taking the time to come to read my work. As always, make it a GREAT Day!